(this column was originally posted November 4, 2013)
I’ve been shedding some tears lately. Okay, a lot of tears. And as much as I try not to cry in front of my daughter… well, sometimes it just can’t be avoided.
Life of a single mom who can’t say to a significant other, “honey, can you do homework with her tonight so I can lock myself in a bathroom and cry?”
Yeah. Like that.
I remember when I was young never seeing my mother cry. Her face would get all contorted in pain but the tears wouldn’t drop. Instead, she drank or went to bed or got quiet. And it scared me. I never knew if she was going to be okay.
I don’t drink, smoke, do drugs or shop. Nope, nothing to take the edge off of life’s painful moments. I take hikes with my dog, I call friends, I write, I listen to music, I take baths. But sometimes nothing works except a good cry. A really good cry. The kind where you pass out after and wake up with a pillow stuck to your face.
Before I was a mom I never thought twice about crying. If I had to let it out I just did. Often times using my cat as a tissue. But as a mom it’s different. It’s your job to be strong, to power through, to not over-share, overwhelm, overload your kid with your “stuff”. It’s your job to make them feel safe, secure and let them know that mom has it all handled.
So, this last week when my daughter saw me cry it made me wonder… is it okay? Is she okay? She knew why I was crying, and she understood why I was crying but as I washed my face and braided her hair for bed I wanted to know how it made her feel to see her mom emotional in that way. She looked at me with those big blue eyes, so full of love,
You should cry, mama. You’re sad. And it doesn’t scare me because I know you’ll be okay. You’re the strongest person I know.
And she proceeded to put the radio on and say what she has heard her mama say so often,
Let’s dance.
She was right. My daughter has never seen me pull the covers over my head and hide from life — no matter how hard it can get. She knows her mom will always wash her face, get dressed, and place one foot in front of the other.
So, maybe not only is it okay to cry when you’re a mom… but it’s a good thing. It shows our children that feelings aren’t something to be afraid of as long as we don’t let them take us down.
I wish when I was a little girl I told my mom it was okay for her to cry. Because it was.
My daughter makes me want to be a better person, a wiser person, a stronger person. And… sometimes I simply have to swim through a pool of tears to get there.
And dance? We sure did.
It is okay. It helps our kids become more well adjusted adults, not wondering why (as they get older) they feel that need and their parents never did. I had never seen my father cry. One evening at the end of dinner when we had talked about my grandfather’s recent passing, we all got up from the table. I really didn’t notice too much that my dad wasn’t in the kitchen. But a few minutes later I walked to the door of my bedroom and a saw him at my closet door, his forhead resting on his forearm, crying. I quietly left him to his moment. But for the first time (I think) I realized the my did wasn’t Ironman. Still my hero, but now human too. And I realized that it was okay for me to be human and a man too. It’s served me well as a father.
thanks, mac, for sharing this. your father sounds like a wonderful man.
My kids have seen me cry…like the time I fell down the stairs. I think crying is being human. Love this piece.
thanks, christina!
My kids have seen me cry. And I think it’s important that they can see that grownups get sad too sometimes and that it’s normal. It’s also important for them to see that we can have that cry and then pull ourselves together and see the sunshine again. Love that your sweet daughter turned on the radio for you both to dance. She’s a smart girl!!!
carpool goddess, thank you! I agree — the pulling ourselves together is so important! thanks for the comment!
I think you have done a great job raising your daughter because she is wise beyond her years . A good cry when the pain is great is really a healthy thing to do. I am glad she realizes that you are not broken just washing away the pain with the tears.
Lots of love,
Pat
pat, thank you. your words always mean so much to me. you are an amazing mom and grandmother… lots of love to you.
Wise daughter you’ve got there, and I will agree. I learned the hard way, always putting up a brave front, (having grown up in a family where showing emotions around my unstable mother were dangerous ) I was showing my girls their emotions had no place in the world, that if I couldn’t express them neither could they. But they still existed and were expressed through self harming coping techniques.
Many years of their therapy later, we’re all relearning how to express sadness, stress, etc in a healthy way.
yvette, thank you for sharing your own personal experience as a child and a mom around this area. i’m sorry it’s been a challenging road but so happy to know that you are all on a healthy path of healing. that takes tremendous courage. xoxo
You are amazing and extraordinary Susan!!! Kudos!!! I so look forward to reading your brilliant work! It Always makes me feel better!!! Thank you!!! Colleen